Monday, May 18, 2009

MOTHERHOOD. FTW?


I don't know anything about being a mom. Frankly, I think it would probably unfold like a Vin Diesel movie if
somebody left me to care for their litter.
I suppose it's all in the rearing, my own mother came with a "not kid safe" warning label. She's a character, that mother o' mine...
here's a life snippet:
A conversation with my mother
My mother needed a ride the other night from 2 blocks away from her home.
Pristine little feet cannot touch the ground for too long, you know. Here's how that went down:
I picked her up on Madison avenue,
she was wearing a scarf on her head so that in the few moments between stepping out from the building lobby and into my car, not a hair would be blown out of place.
I think she was wearing sunglasses as well (it was close to 9pm).
"What the fuck? It's fucking cold in here I'm not going to catch a pneumonia because you need an open window" she snipped as she sat into the jeep and zipped the window closed.
"Hi, mom."
"Ya, hi."
Her face looked a great deal better than it had in a while,
the chin implant was looking less masculine and the scars by her ears had almost completely healed.
"Your face looks great" I told her "I can barely notice it anymore"
"Ya, I try not to make too many facial expressions, don't make me smile or laugh."
"You try not to smile?"
"Ya, It's very common. That's what the doctor said. I don't want to crease the skin."
"Mom, skin is very resilient. You can smile...it won't damage the face."
"So say you. Thanks for the advice, but I'm very happy with my results this way."
She flipped the visor and gazed into the mirror, stretching her neck and
examining the underside of her chin.
"So, what's up? I've been really ill lately I need to see a-"
She cut me off mid-confession.
"I'm so stressed out, I'm just so fucking stressed out. He wants to murder me, you know.
Fucking satanic bastard."
"What? who? huh?"
"Your father, he wants to kill me. He's satanic that fucking piece of fat shit."
"Like 'murder murder'? are you being serious? you think he wants to 'kill' you??"
"Oh ya, he's been trying to murder me for 30 years, this is how he does it. He tries to stress me
to death. Look at his fat face, can't you see that he's satanic? I mean, look at his beard,
It's like satan. He's an evil murdering bastard, fucking evil fucking fat piece of shit."
I'm laughing, she's not.
"I want you to know this, I want you to remember that I told you this.
If anything happens, He was trying to murder me.
Havent you seen his face?"
"like you mean if you ever die of natural causes?"
"They wont be natural.If I die from anything, he did it. He stressed me to death.
He has an underhanded way of doing things, fucking satanic fuck.
All dressed in black, dont you see how satanic he looks?"
Of course the ride was only a 2 block trip,
so that's about as far as we got before we were
in front of her building.
"I love you, mom"
"Love you too, hun! call me when you get in! I worry!"
... and with that,
she disappeared into the white marble lobby of building number 8.

4 comments:

  1. OMGF were going to her show togther haHA!

    ReplyDelete
  2. we so are
    keep the first week of september wide open... we can throw candy and glitter from the front row!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Have a kid...my mom sucked as a parent and I did it just to prove to myself that I wouldn't.

    ReplyDelete

WHAT YOU TALKIN' BOUT, WILLIS?